I want someone to know me. I mean really really know me. I want someone to love me, for who I am not what I do or don't do.
I want someone who can love me, with all my scars, crazy mistakes, tears and bottled emotions that are now seeping out slowly. But who can love me? What person or man would ever want to hold me? I know God does and for that I am grateful... but who will act as my physical Christ? Aren't we as humans the body of Christ? Who will be a body of Christ for me in a physical shape with hands and arms to hold me? with legs to dance with me? with a mouth the lovingly kiss me or hold back because I am frightened to be kissed? Who will be my body of Christ to wipe away my tears? or to pull out the tears of laughter that I have never cried? Will I ever meet that man? Am I ready? Oh, God, am I ready?
Probably not, that's why he's not here. I am too afraid. I long for him, but run from every man I meet. It doesn't matter how dazzling his smile is, or handsome his face, I run. I run and run and run. I cannot look any of them in the eye... except for Anthony. I could look at Anothony- but only because I suspected that he had some kind of hurt or pain similar to mine, that I could relate too. I wanted to reach out and help me, but like I run from other men, he ran from me. I saw through him, but I guess it wasn't meant to be.
I just wish there was someone, who hasn't been broken that would love me even though he doesn't understand. I want someone who can know my history and still see me as whole and beautiful. I know that I am more than meat, made for a man- but I still feel like damaged goods. I still don't feel good enough for love.
I day dream about my wedding day. I day dream that our first kiss will be on our wedding day. I dream of joy and hope and love on that day. I dream of it being a beautiful miraculous moment, when I'm in his arms, he's holding me and our lips touch. I cannot imagine what will happen. I imagine that I'm fearful... I try to change that fear of our first kiss to joy. This is a kiss that I am GIVING. It is not a kiss that is being TAKEN. What a wonderful moment it will be.
I cannot see his face, but I long to know who it is. He has dark hair, I know that. Who is he? This man that I am dressing up for? My body of Christ, made for me to love and take care of. Who is he? This human, so beautiful? When will I meet him God? Can I meet him soon? Maybe not today- but soon. I love him already. Please protect him and carry him safely into my arms so that we can love each other for the rest of our days. Saint Joseph, pray for us! Mary, pray for us! Jesus, thank you... please listen to your mothers prayers. Keep our country safe today! Please change the hearts of the voters to YOUR will. Whatever it is America needs, please give it to us. Please do not let this health care pass. Holy spirit, please work in the minds of those who are voting. Please work in their body, heart and mind! Please! I beg of you! You have never left my will to dust. You have always answered me. Please answer me now! Hear me today! Especially at the moment the senators are voting!
Jesus! I trust in you!
Amen!!!
